S.S. Mila Kunis Gives Us A View

Interesting fact about Mila Kunis: she has two different color eyes. One is blue; the other is green, à la musician David Bowie. Another interesting fact: she also has two tits. However, all signs indicate that the tits are the same color. Hours of research have taught me that genetic anomalies like those aren’t usually present in pairs. And by “hours of research” I mean “76 volumes of Juggs and Big Titty City.” Science is my one true passion!

Sporting serious cleave on the set of “Extract”:

Quickies: By the Horns

Who will be the semi-solid stool in Brett Ratner’s latest cinematic diarrhea? (Pajiba)

Katherine Heigl gets ready to sneak up behind the metaphorical bull with hemorrhoids and smack it on the testicles. Sold! (Websters)

Janet Jackson requires an industrial-strength steel girdle to keep her gut in check. (Hollywood Rag)

The Tranny Spice Girls Pussycat Dolls class it up for the Vodafone Music Awards. (The Bastardly)

Another Pamela Anderson sex tape? I’m guessing it takes place in the cab of a big rig or a Mapco shitter. (CelebSmack)

Kim Kardashian gives the tensile strength of spandex a run for its money. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Ryan O’Neal and his son bond over a little meth. (Derek Hail)

Looks like Mischa Barton might be a cutter! (Ninja Dude)

Mary-Kate and Ashley break up! (MollyGood)

Sarah Jessica Parker gets bangs — and it blows. (Holy Moly)

Mischa Barton’s entire tit falls out. AGAIN. (CelebNewsWire)

Sarah’s taking the reigns on Monday, so I’ll see you snarky bastards Tuesday! And remember — crack kills. As do coyotes. So don’t go petting any, dummies! xoxo Abby

Katie Holmes’ Broadway Debut Marred by Protestors

Although her play won’t officially open until October 16th, Katie Holmes began previews for her Broadway debut in All My Sons last night. On hand for Katie’s big night? A shitload of anti-Scientology protestors with masks and picket signs and presumably, a death wish. According to Us Weekly

Around 20 demonstrators (many in masks) staged a protest, shouting “Free Katie” and holding signs that screamed “How many more must die?” A demonstrator insisted, “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play - we are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

But Holmes… seemed undeterred.

By “undeterred” they must have meant “stuck on autopilot.” I’m pretty sure it’s the only setting Katie’s allowed other than “ovulate” and “smile like you mean it.”

Tyra Banks is F@#%!ng Insane

You know that feeling you get when you’re walking past a crazy hobo who’s spouting gibberish? That sort of panicked, where do I look oh God he’s making eye contact feeling? Well, now you can suffer through that feeling without the inconvenience of being outdoors, courtesy of America’s Next Top Model. Tyra Banks stars as princess Snow White, complete with poison apples, gay Prince Charming and “the Good Fierce Witch” as she introduces the makeover segment of the show (around the 3:30 mark). It’s as fucking insane as it sounds. All that’s missing is the stench of urine and Wild Irish Rose and maybe a shopping cart full of aluminum cans.

Post-makeover swimsuit shoot:

Pamela Anderson’s Still Got It

Pamela Anderson showed up at the Vivienne Westwood fashion show in London yesterday in a cut-to-there dress, proving once again that she’s still got it. “It” of course being “the scabrous complexion of a truck stop hooker with HIV.” Lot lizards everywhere must be so jealous!

Paris Hilton’s Dogs Eaten by Coyotes

The NY Daily News claims Paris Hilton is “devastated” after losing two of her dogs to a coyote attack Wednesday night, but Page Six has a different version of events:

Paris Hilton has no one to blame but herself. Hilton - a “pet collector” who has more than 10 dogs, a monkey and other mammals in her menagerie - is a well-known nuisance in her Beverly Hills neighborhood, where she often ignores her dogs. Neighbors and paparazzi have found some of her pooches roaming the streets after she carelessly left the doors open and lost track of them. As for the attack, Hilton didn’t even find the dogs’ bodies until the next day - long after they should have been fed and accounted for.

This just goes to show that you really need to be specific when you say your prayers. When I prayed, “Oh, Lord, please find a way to kill those stupid Hilton bitches,” I should have made it clear I was talking about Paris and Nicky. Apparently God is a real stickler when it comes to semantics.

S.S. What the Hell’s Wrong With Lindsay’s Face?

Lindsay Lohan attended the “Ugly Betty” premiere party in NYC Monday night two days before her guest role on the show was set to wrap, and mother of God is her makeup awful. Her face is a good five shades darker than the rest of her body and her lipstick is the exact same shade as 1992’s Totally Hair Barbie. Instead of a makeup gun, it looks like she went with the makeup cannon. I understand was very popular with the whores back in Revolutionary times. Just like the minuet and syphilis!

Quickies: Ben Dover

Brad Pitt will poison your computer! (Holy Moly)

Diablo Cody wants to stick plastic toys up your butt. Or something like that. (MollyGood)

Jessica Simpson has number one cuntry country album in the U.S. (Websters)

Petra Nemcova goes for the silver! (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Remember the hot chick from “Species?” Now you can remember her tits, too! (Mr. Skin)

Selita Ebanks gets The Rihanna cut! (The Bastardly)

Hilary Swank hospitalized to remove a small growth. I hope it wasn’t a penis. (Celebitchy)

Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift kickstart your underage lesbian fantasy. Pervert. (UseMyComputer)

Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “squeaky clean.” (Ayyyy!)

Vanessa Hudgens gets her dominatrix on. (The Grumpiest)

Jamie Lynn Sigler in a bikini! (CelebSlam)

Aubrey O’Day in Complex Magazine

Danity Kane star(?) Aubrey O’Day is featured in next month’s issue of Complex magazine, in which she divulges her penchant for masturbating to biracial porn and discussing the female menstrual cycle. An excerpt from the interview below:

Aubrey O’Day: If I have to be ridiculed and called a whore and the party animal and the dumb girl for the rest of my career, I’m OK with that. Because I love who I am.

When people hear you’re best friends with Jenna Jameson, they think—

Aubrey O’Day: [They think that] I’m going to do sex tapes and porn. Jenna and I never even talk about porn. I think one time Jenna and I had a conversation about having sex on your period. There was some new guy I was dating, and it was the first time we were going to go there, and he was weird about it. So I ask Jenna for advice and she’s like, “Honey, it’s just a little war paint, who cares?”

Is this an uncomfortable subject?

Aubrey O’Day: Oh, it’s fine. I love talking about my period.

Well, I suppose it’s something that can be broached with—

Aubrey O’Day: —someone you trust. Or you could just have anal sex.

Ha, ha — let’s just stop right there! My monacle’s getting all steamed up from so much classiness. Okay, all better now.

Aubrey O’Day: I love porn.

You love watching it?

Aubrey O’Day: Totally. I watch YouPorn. [My favorite star is] Jenna Jameson, obviously.

Is it weird watching your BFF?

Aubrey O’Day: I watched her before she was my BFF, I don’t watch her anymore. I was actually masturbating one night to, like, Anal Sex Compilation #3 or whatever, and she was in it and I was like, “Oh no!” I had to turn it off. It was horrible.

I usually watch black guys doing white girls, that’s my little fetish, even though in real life race isn’t a factor for me. Really, I’m more turned on by watching the girls than the guys. I love someone who looks like they’re really into sex.

Aaand stop. Jesus. I don’t even know where to start. There’s sluttiness, and then there’s this. Can you say “tranny skankwad?” Because I can’t. On account of the harelip. So pity me, you heartless assholes.